Let it be known that Cone has now been on this good Earth for a quarter of a century as of this past Saturday.
Happy Birthday!
Lauren Rasco
1/4 Century Mark
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[floatleft]http://www.snackbar-games.com/images/reviews/destroyallhumans/cover.jpg[/floatleft]If there is one thing that is a constant source of irritation and annoyance in my life, it’s people. There is just something about humanity in general that really gets under my skin. I can’t say how many times I’ve told people (ones who I have deemed worthy to associate with) that I think we should let natural selection have its way with the world. Forget warning labels and traffic lights; just let people fight their way through existence. And what is more natural than aliens coming down to Earth and destroying all humans? Nothing in my book; not one thing.
The premise of [i]Destroy All Humans[/i], the latest from Pandemic, is to come to Earth and, well, destroy all humans. There is a backstory, of course: your name is Crypto137, a Furon clone-alien that is working for Pox, an alien scientist of sorts. Your job is to go and collect DNA from people on Earth so that your alien nation can perfect its clones, which are getting stupider by the minute. It turns out that a long time ago a rouge Furon alien came to Earth and, um, reproduced with an Earthling. Thus, deep down in all of us is some alien DNA. You are unleashed on Earth with the ability to throw cows, read minds, and naturally, anal probe the locals. The game is set in the 1950’s stereotypical sci-fi B-movie towns, where ignorance runs rampant and communism is on people’s minds. The people think the most interesting thoughts that produced many a chuckle while I was playing the game. To break it down, you have missions that you must complete, and once completed, you have free reign of the level to collect extra DNA and complete mini missions. You can use DNA to purchase upgrades on the mother ship for yourself or for your flying saucer.
[floatright]http://www.snackbar-games.com/images/reviews/destroyallhumans/ss02_thumb.jpg[/floatright]There are a myriad of weapons and tactics used to navigate each level. As you move about, your ultimate goal is to remain unnoticed. There is a panic-level meter that you should pay close attention to, as the higher it gets, the more law enforcement and, eventually, military you have to deal with. Oh yeah, there is a little wrench thrown into the works when Crypto finds out about the Majestic, a government agency that is out to capture Furon technology and use it for their own devices. Most of the time, you have to walk around in human form, taking form of the first human you scan. To stay concentrated, you must scan other humans’ minds and, like I said, this is when you hear the most peculiar thoughts. Also a source of amusement is the dialogue between Crypto and Pox. For some, the game might seem a little redundant, but for me personally, I never grew tired of running around causing mayhem. At many points during the game, you have to enter your saucer to fight off or destroy an attack of large scale. I enjoyed this aspect of the game. It reminded me of the saucers in Tim Burton’s [i]Mars Attacks![/i] Again, there was just some sort of satisfaction in blowing buildings, people, and tanks to smithereens with an alien deathray.
The controls in the game were picked up very quickly, and running around as Crypto was pretty basic. There are a few things that I think really make the game stand out: the authentic B-movie alien soundtrack and also the B-movie worlds in which you move about. Humor moves the game along, and there is never a dull moment. The humor helps take your mind off the fact that you are basically doing the same thing over and over again. That is one drawback to this game. There is not much variety in the gameplay. But when you think of a game that everyone loves, like [i]Halo[/i], there is no variety in gameplay there either. Another drawback is that the game is a relatively short one. I just wish that there could have been more of humanity to destroy.
[floatleft]http://www.snackbar-games.com/images/reviews/destroyallhumans/ss04_thumb.jpg[/floatleft]Overall, I would recommend this game to people because it seems at this point in time there just isn’t much around that provides a new, fresh, fun concept. Though most people like mankind more than I do, there isn’t one person out there who won’t enjoy trying to destroy all humans. This game is good for a laugh, easy to master, and fun even a mindless clone would enjoy.
I recommend [i]Destroy All Humans[/i] to invade all consoles at least once.
Happy Star Wars Day
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Happy Star Wars Day to you all. May the force be with you.
[floatleft]http://www.snackbar-games.com/images/reviews/donkeykongjunglebeat/cover.jpg[/floatleft]For those of you who don’t know already, I am a huge [i]Donkey Kong[/i] fan. Huge. I mean, the biggest there is out there. So, with that being said, I was really excited when I heard about [i]Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat[/i]. I must admit that I was a little disappointed when I heard that the game play would involve the bongos from [i]Donkey Konga[/i], but nonetheless it was going to be the first true [i]Donkey Kong[/i] game on the GameCube. Perhaps my hopes were set too high, but I didn’t feel that this newest installment in the beloved [i]Donkey Kong[/i] series lived up to its potential.
To sum up the game for you real fast here: you play as Donkey Kong and you are on a mission to collect bananas, or beats. You climb up flowers, get tossed by monkeys, and swing on vines to maneuver your way through various levels. Once you beat two areas in the level, your beats get tallied up. They then become your “hit points” for fighting the boss. Once you do that, the number of beats with which you are left gets thrown into a hollow tree to determine the crest you receive. The more beats you have, the better the crest in the form of bronze, silver, and gold. You need crests to unlock higher levels.
[floatright]http://www.snackbar-games.com/images/reviews/donkeykongjunglebeat/ss03_thumb.jpg[/floatright]Donkey Kong, how I love thee, let me count the ways… your large chest, your ability to rock at the bongos, the Neanderthal stare… There are so many things that I loved and enjoyed about all the previous [i]Donkey Kong[/i] games. The story was amusing, the levels were fun, and the pace was moderately slow. So, I think it’s only fair to start out with the things that I didn’t like about [i]Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat[/i]. The biggest bone I have to pick with [i]DKJB[/i] is that you went through the levels so quickly that you didn’t get to enjoy them. The pace was so fast that you didn’t even get to notice half the stuff in the level, not to mention how impressive the graphics were. The pace of the game also sets up for another mild disappointment; it only takes a few hours to beat the game. The game also got a bit monotonous at times, as there was not much difference from one level to the next. There wasn’t much of a story, so the game came off as shallow. Each kingdom consists of two levels and a boss. Even the bosses repeat themselves. As far as the actual game play goes, it was a tad irritating that trying to play without the bongos was a task in and of its self. To move, you had to tap the button over and over again, as if you were playing with the bongos. Controlling Kong with the bongos became frustrating at times too. Let’s face it, in a world where the slightest toggle on the analog stick can make or break a sneaky move in some games, a style of play where you beat on bongos to move about was a concept hard for me to embrace. Cone almost lost an arm out of my frustration.
Now with all that ugliness out of the way, let me get to the things that I liked. I liked that it was a fun, upbeat, simple game to playA
Alright, you can start yelling at me now. You can yell anything you want. Get it out of your system now. Done? Good. Now proceed with the article.
New game journalism is “all the rage” these days. It is being passed off as this new and revolutionary style of writing. For all of you out there who are asking yourselves “Just what is this new game journalism?” I will tell you. It is the style of writing in which the author reviews or talks about a game from his or her point of view. In other words, tells his experience in game play. This is where I come across my first problem with this revolutionary style of writing, the “new” part. I can sum it up in one word; storytelling. Yeah, you know that thing that people have been doing since the beginning of mankind. There is nothing revolutionary about talking about something you have experienced from your point of view. That actually, believe it or not, has a name for it that they teach you in school. It is called First Person Point of View. And if I were so inclined to talk about my buddy playing a video game and my watching him that one is called Third Person Point of View. So, nothing revolutionary to see here folks.
Oh, I can hear it now. “Dots, you don’t understand. It isn’t necessarily that this is a new writing style, but it is new to the world of [i]journalism[/i].” I say, “Really?” You mean to tell me if I pull an archive of any newspaper in any town I won’t find any article told by someone about their experience that reads like a story? Wrong again. I bet I will. (Aren’t you glad I made you yell at the beginning of this article?) Let us take one type of reviewing in particular for our case example on this one – restaurant reviews. A good critique will read like a story; about how the wait staff treated you to the way the steaming pile of hot pasta hit your tongue and made your taste buds tingle. Yeah, that might read like a story.
In actuality, there is nothing really all that new and fascinating about new game journalism. “Dots, you forgot one key part to this – the [i]game[/i] aspect of it.” Ah, I am getting there. Here is where I just want to jump up and down and scream, but I won’t. I don’t think that there is anything great and wonderful about this particular style of game reviewing. It starts off with the fact that if I wanted to know what it was like to see you play a videogame I would come to your house. Trust me, no one cares. I don’t even want to hear what it is like for Brad Pitt to play video games. I want to know what it was like to play, like how the music set the mood or the graphics were phenomenal, but I don’t want to hear about how “totally freaking awesome I am at [i]Halo 2[/i] when I busted through that door grenades flying and took out everyone of those SOB’s.” I think that there is a nice way to incorporate your personal experiences into the actual discussing of the content of a game. Most of the articles/reviews that I have come across read like bragging rights. [i]I killed this many people in this many seconds. Or I killed all of those losers with one carefully place grenade and there was nothing they could do about it. I rule. I am the best. I should be given an award for being the best thing to happen to the world of live gaming.[/i] Yikes. I DON’T CARE. And how do I know if you are telling the truth? Have you noticed that everyone seems to be exceptionally good at playing video games when they do their review in the new game journalism form? No one admits that they suck. Here is an excerpt of my review on [i]Star Wars: Battlefront[/i].
[quote]I was running, running as fast as I could get my Wookie ass to run. I was running because there was an AT AT on my tail. I ducked behind a tree and got blown up. I respawn. I ran around shooting at a Storm Trooper. No, that wasn’t a storm trooper, that was a tree. I really wish that they wouldn’t make trees look so much like people. I just got shot to death. I respawn. Crap, dead again.[/quote]
I mean, come on, how cool of a gamer do I look now? That wasn’t even the whole truth. Let me tell you how the thing should read.
[quote]I was running, running as fast as I could get my Wookie ass to run. I paused and changed the baby’s diaper. I sit down and unpause. I was running because there was an AT AT on my tail. I pause and pull the leaf that the dog drug in out of the baby’s mouth. Unpause. I pause. Where does this kid find all these leaves??? Unpause. I ducked behind a tree and got blown up. I only blew up because the baby pulled my controller out of the Xbox. I respawn. I ran around shooting at a Storm Trooper. No, that wasn’t a Storm Trooper, that was a tree. Man, when is Cone going to get home from work? I really wish that they wouldn’t make trees look so much like people. I just got shot to death. I respawn. Crap, dead again because when I threw my control it bounced up and hit the baby. Oops.[/quote]
Yeah, exciting huh? If you read anyone else’s take on [i]Battlefront[/i] all you hear is how dominate they are and how they never die. I have a way better idea. Why don’t you all pull out your penises and I’ll measure them and see who really wins? No? I’m not surprised. Then we would know the truth.
I don’t think that you can call new game journalism anything but a fad. I will be surprised if its popularity lasts more than a month of two. Why? Simply for the fact that people who visit gaming sites want to hear whether or not they should buy a game and what makes a particular game stand out from another one. If you want to brag about how good you are, do it in a forum. Of course, I could always be wrong. I thought for sure that VHS was the way to go and that DVDs were on their way out as soon as their shadow filled the doorway and that legwarmers were here to stay.
