Marco Ortega

Soda: Hey Everyone. I’ve been getting a lot of questions about the guest columns we run from time to time. People keep asking who these guest writers are and how we select them. I thought it might be nice to give you an intro to some of them. Panama Pretzel is a friend of ours that we have known for forever. As you will probably be able to tell by this article he is an absolute Xbox nut. It’s odd that he is though because he’s also obsessed with Macintosh computers. Panama is an interesting character, you can push his buttons and get him to freak out over pretty much everything. We’re hoping that his energy and ability to spazz out over nothing will carry over into his articles and it will give our readers something to laugh about every now and then. Let me know what you think about our guest writers, feedback is always appreciated.

Ok, those of you who love anything that has to do with WWII or anything that is military related will get a kick out of this game! Let me first tell you that everyone should own at least one copy of this freaking game. For those of you who have played Medal of Honor then you know what I mean by everyone having a copy. This game freaking rules! Many of you might have already played this game on your PC’s. Since this game has like fifty expansions on PC you may not get the longevity you might be seeking from it on Xbox. But don’t be disappointed, there are plenty of missions and levels that you will give you the chance to kill many Huns. The levels are pretty intense as you progress in the game… obviously!!! The graphics are pretty cool, its no Halo but it will do.

The story line is very accurate to actual battles and events that took place in WWII. The weapons to choose from are really cool. Killing the Krauts with a Thompson, B.A.R or bazooka doesn’t make a difference because your blowing them off the screen anyways.

Throughout the missions you find that the dialogue from the Nazis is pretty funny. The missions take you the landing on D-Day (Saving Private Ryan), to being a stowaway on a German u-boat (U-571), parachuting from an airplane for Operation Market Garden (Band of Brothers), to sniping massive Germans from left to right and pilfering German planes. The game play is quite entertaining; throughout every mission you have certain objectives to accomplish.

You are Lt. Jimmy Patterson, an all around soldier who is skilled in demolition, sniping, recon, full frontal assaults, spying and many other tactics that will come in handy throughout the game. You also come in contact with spies that have infiltrated nazi lines, British soldiers, American troopers, many civilians that get in the way and of course the freaking Krauts.

This game is great, it’s on all platforms so make sure if you have an Xbox I suggest buying it on Xbox. The reasons why to buy it on Xbox are simple… multiplayer! The multiplayer is ok, the reason I say its ok is because when you are playing with four people the speed of the game becomes slower, the locations you play at become smaller and darker and the weapons you use become very limited. Its kind of like playing License to Kill on Golden Eye. If there are any first person shooter fans out there or if you like wasting Nazis off your screen then I suggest buying this game. Out!

Xbox Live

December 4, 2002

OK so as most of you beautiful people who inhabit this great earth
should know that xbox LIVE has stormed Gods country "America".
And yes some of you have already spent sleepless nights staring
into the radiance of your television while talking mad smack to
many as you destroy them, or (like me) getting destroyed! I had
the privilege of purchasing one of very few xbox starter kits that
were left in the store before some booger-eating fourth grade spoiled
brat begged his dear ‘ol Mommy to buy it for him. And yes since
I am the only one outside the magnificent three (Pickle, Soda, and
Snowcone) that has played on LIVE, then I am entitled to say absolutely
anything about this damn thing. I really couldn’t buy all the games
that were supported for LIVE…I think its pretty communist that
they only released a very small variety of games, and on top of
that they didn’t freaking make Halo supported on LIVE. Let me tell
you that setting up the LIVE system could be a breeze, or can be
like a Mexican trying to learn Japanese geometry.

Once you’re on, its pretty easy going to through the setup. You
can be real creative by coming up with a gamer handle, I’ve seen
handles ranging from PimpCock to FreginLazer. I myself like to stay
conservative and use the same one I’ve been using forever. Moving
on, you obviously want the full effect of LIVE so make sure you
purchase a game that is LIVE supported. I had to settle with Unreal
Championship. It was the only game that was close to satisfying
my Halo craving to playing online. The headset is ok…it has a
volume control and also a mute button. You also have the option
of disguising your voice in several different masks, some are annoying
and some are just ok. I suggest NOT using them. You would expect
every person playing would talk mad trash, but you are sorely mistaken.
PEOPLE ITS A HEADSET…TALK…I CAN’T SEE YOU…I AM NOT THERE TO
KICK YOUR ASS SO TALK AS MUCH CRAP AS YOU WANT!!! Ok moving on!!!
Let me tell you that this game just gets way out of hand when your
on LIVE. Its just freaking insane, its like playing "Quake"
while consuming insane quantities of speed, coke, and any other
drug you freaking insane kids do. I mean it’s insane, I mean really,
its just way to fast and you have no clue what the hell is going
on. Of course there are those players who will dominate the channel
that you are in for hours for some ungodly reason.

Other than that if you want a quick taste of the xbox LIVE, I suggest
you get into it now. Rent a few games that are supported before
buying some. That way you know which poison to pick. Next on my
list; Ghost Recon, and Mech Assault. I am here to tell all to not
waste time! Donate blood, plasma, sperm…sell your old games, movies,
little brother or sister, whatever! Just get LIVE. Its great!